i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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