I heard we made out
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
They are going to name an STD after you.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
