you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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