What did we do last night that was yellow?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
