Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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