Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
