Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
