True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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