I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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