she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
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