So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
