i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize