im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
