you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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