Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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