I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
