took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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