Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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