google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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