You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
The best revenge is premature balding
We got so high we made milksteak
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
