i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Bring me that man meat
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
