Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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