new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
