Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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