I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
