Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize