im drinking this country out of the recession.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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