Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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