with your own penis?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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