So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
