as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
