Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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