No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm like, not good at living.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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