I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
