So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
