Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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