I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize