apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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