i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
