if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
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