I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
