hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
