you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
