Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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