please come you make the beer taste better
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
