pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
