even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
