Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
