hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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