are you still at the devil's house?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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