is wine microwaveable?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
