Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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