I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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