I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
