Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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