summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
