I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
