there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
