Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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