It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
