He uses pillows to masturbate.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
