Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
