she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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