I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
