I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
