You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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