please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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